Waiting.

Waiting. We wait for a lot of things. I find myself frustrated often for waiting. At the line in the grocery store. On this computer to open the internet. A friend to text back. Or on a  larger scale, we wait for what’s next. And in those times of waiting I am all consumed with the feeling of the moment -- whether it’s frustration, anger, anxiousness, selfish pity, etc.

Lately, mundane times of waiting have consciously seemed so trivial. Now that we have shared our story, friends and family are checking in often. Are we pregnant again? No. We are still waiting. Every month since we miscarried we have been reminded that we are not in control. Every month for the past 1.5 years that we have struggled with infertility, we have been reminded that we are not in control. Because if you’ve ever struggled with any of this, you are familiar with trying everything YOU can possibly do to get pregnant. Bottom line — God creates life.

This waiting time has filled us with all consuming fear. I’ve had people say, “enjoy this time of waiting — children will turn your world upside down” {people say dumb things}. If you’ve ever been in this place of longing and waiting you understand that it is hard and at times nearly impossible to enjoy. Before Sam and I go on a date {recently we went to the Art Museum} — I literally have to mentally and emotionally {and prayerfully} prepare myself — to allow my heart to enjoy. When we go out and are surrounded by strollers, and diaper bags, and tiny toes, it is so easy for me to feel all consumed with what is missing from our story. The emptiness barricades being able to enjoy. What I need to repent of is how full my life is — my cup overflows. This is how waiting in suffering steals your joy. It takes what should make your heart joyful and grateful and covers it. This is how our time of waiting has hardened my heart towards a God that I know loves me deeply and has already given me a multitude of good gifts. Just a few days ago, Sam grabbed my face and out of his own fear said, “you are letting Satan steal your joy. I’m fearful that you are hopeless in our waiting.” He nailed it — Satan is stupid and yes, I feel hopeless in our waiting.

One thing that has been obvious as a source of hurtfulness during this waiting time is Facebook {I know, silly}. It’s a place that fuels my anxiety and hopelessness and consumes my heart with coveting. Don’t take that personally. I am always thankful for new life — always. I’ve been prayerful and grateful that God has allowed my heart to continue loving His littlest children even when my heart is hurting. But Facebook is like any social media plug— it allows us to complain, to rejoice, to share in exciting news, to share in suffering. It’s used as a place to share our lives. Unfortunately, it is also a place that allows me to become consumed with jealously, coveting, and bitterness. So for now, until my heart is in a better place, I am detoxing from Facebook. I keep in contact with a lot of friends in different parts of the world via Facebook, so I hope to stay in touch via email {kate.haist@gmail.com}. I will try to keep the blog updated as well.

A quick life update — our “new normal” {living in the waiting period} is also filled with busyness. Sam graduated seminary {praise the lord!} and we are now raising support for him to go on staff with our church, South City Church {you can watch a short video here — http://vimeo.com/97458020}. We’ve reached almost 60% of our goal — God is good. I have been directing summer camps at school and will continue nannying this summer. We are looking forward to a week off in July for the annual Haist Family Reunion and some time at the lake. Hopefully some good time to be away and rest.

With grateful hearts for your prayers and the way you have loved on us the past 4 months — thank you.

Much love,
Katelyn & Sam