Dear family and friends,
We are in need of your prayers.
This past year, Sam and I have suffered through the pain of infertility. The unknowns of why we couldn’t conceive. Why we couldn’t bring life into the world. Life is truly a miracle. Nothing about a God-given child is an accident—whether or not it was in your plan for it happen. We have struggled this past year with this pain. With suffering. With anger and with longing. With asking for help and prayer (which does not come easy for us).
And then came this past Monday. After 8 pregnancy tests, we started to actually believe our long-awaited gift was here - a child. We called the doctor almost immediately. Her hastiness and urgency for us to come see her made us immediately uneasy. I had been spotting for days, and she was concerned, yet her tone was hopeful and excited for us. We went in Tuesday morning. We heard the words, “cautiously optimistic”, “miscarriage”, “due date, November 7th”. Our hearts were conflicted. Something didn’t “feel right” to me, and we prayed more diligently then we ever have before, for God’s hand to protect us. All 3 of us.
Wednesday we told our families. They rejoiced. They were joyful and hopeful. And we had a renewed sense of giving thanks and rejoicing with them. We had become pregnant. We would always be mom and dad to this child. No matter the outcome. This 5-week-old, long-awaited child was already so treasured.
Thursday morning we went in for more blood work. If my HCG levels increased, we had a living baby. If my levels decreased, we had lost him/her. We felt so uneasy. We lived in the tension. We lived with the feelings of not knowing to rejoice or grieve. My heart was beating in my ears in that waiting room, and the feeling of something being wrong continued to intensify. I went on to conferences that day and felt peace. We got the call Thursday evening at 5:35pm. We had lost the baby.
We cry out to our Father to rid us of suffering in this broken world. We want to shout from the rooftops that we are indeed thankful for a God that gives life. We want to share our hearts so that you will bear our burden with us, as we are called as Christians to do. We don’t know the “appropriate” way to grieve. But we know our hearts can’t handle this alone. So we ask you to grieve with us, to pray for us constantly, and to cherish the life we created, with us.
Forever will we live with the pain of losing our first child. Forever will we be mom and dad, and forever will we love that baby with a love that knows no bounds. We look forward to the day we will meet him/her in Heaven. Our arms ache for that day to come.
Lord, come quickly.
With grieving hearts,
Sam and Katelyn
Beautiful words....I share your loss. Love, aunt ellen
ReplyDeleteOh, Katelyn and Sam, our hearts ache for you. We experienced early loss of 3 of our babies. It is a pain that is hard to explain. I think you have already done a great thing by talking about it out loud. Miscarriage is often thought of as private and secret, which never allows your friends to cry with you and properly grieve the loss of your own sweet child. You are already wonderful parents, and we pray that God will fulfill that longing in a beautiful way.
ReplyDeleteI'm so saddened to hear of your struggle and your loss. I am very proud of you and how you have openly shared your raw pain, struggle, grief. Thank you for being willing to not have all the answers and to put yourselves out there so we can lift you up. Loving you and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteLove you guys. Hurting with you. Praying that our Heavenly Father would hold you close in these days of sadness. Thanks for your openness and letting us be with you in this.
ReplyDeleteListen to the song "Glory Baby" if you have not done so yet. It was a huge help to me when I went through my miscarriage. I grieve with you and understand your pain all too well.
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