Dear family and friends, Just like that, we have a ONE year old and there are so many emotions I can’t even communicate them all. This past year has been simultaneously the most draining and joy-filled time of my life. This little person came into the world, and the world will never be the same again. Many of you have asked to hear my birth story, which I would gladly share with you. Sparing many of the details of course, I’ll share a brief part of Eden’s coming-into-the-world day.
On Wednesday, April 7th, I woke up with bleeding. My doctor asked me to come in immediately. My heart still skips a beat as I type that, because although completely normal at the start of birth, bleeding meant urgency. Something was wrong to me. We got in to the hospital and everything checked out fine — I was actually contracting and didn’t even realize it. They sent me home and said to keep going about life as usual (ha!!!!!).
I got home at 6am, and went ahead with my normal day. I went into school and met with my substitute. We went through the plans for the last 6-weeks of the school year. I continued with the day, and upon arriving home in the afternoon, something changed. I started to contract more often but still not in any discernible rhythm. Sam got home around 5pm, we had dinner, watched a few episodes of New Girl and settled in for the night. Not for long!
Around 10pm, the contractions started to get more frequent. I’d lay down for 30min, and then be up walking the hall of our apartment and holding on to the furniture until the contraction passed. Then I’d lay back down again, and repeat (about every half hour throughout the night). I woke up on Thursday morning and decided I was a little too uncomfortable to go into school that day. So I went ahead and called off and asked my substitute to start my leave. Sam and I decided to go to breakfast at our favorite STL place, Southwest Diner.
When we were seated, Sam reminded me I should probably eat something more bland, which is hard to do at an extreme flavor blasting breakfast joint. I went with the fried egg sandwich. The only problem: I couldn’t even get my order out because I was contracting so much! So funny, and humbling, to lose breath mid-sentence and “need a minute.” We came home and Sam decided it was probably a good idea for him to work from home that day. I laid on the couch and continued with the pattern of contractions every 30min. We took some long walks that day! Around 5pm, I realized the contractions were getting a little more intense but with no real rhythm yet (about 15min apart but then would jump to 45min). I called our doula, Kelley, and she said she would head our way.
I was so glad she came when she did. The contractions were inconsistent and at times discouraging - the’d go from 5min apart to 25min apart. Kelley encouraged us to wait until the sun went down and that the storm that was brewing could work in our favor too. Sure enough, the sun went down and things picked up. Kelley was a saint. She helped Sam with some massaging techniques on my back, and also helped me to rest between contractions. I even laid in bed, half napping, watching some New Girl. Around 10pm I heard Kelley say to Sam, “did you see that change in her? Time to go to the hospital. Grab some towels for the car just in case.” The most vivid memory of that moment is Sam’s eyes bugging out of his head.
I cried all the way to the hospital {like the really ugly crying with snot and tears and more snot}. Fear. Anxiety. Pain. Excitement. So many emotions. We got there and it’s like no one was taking me seriously. “Can you tell me your address?” ISN’T THIS WHY I PRE-REGISTERED? The receptionist finally realized I was legit in labor when she saw me losing breath mid-sentence. After that, she took me back and, sure enough, 6cm dilated. All of a sudden she picked up the pace to get us a room :)
We got into the room, got everything hooked up, checked vitals, etc. I labored walking for a while, in bed, on the ball. Kelley walked us through everything — seriously, having a doula was amazing. She was amazing. And it helped Sam to relax and really focus on me, not just the urgency to “get me out of pain.” Around 2am I got into the shower and labored there until I was ready to push, around 5am. The shower was the best. It’s amazing that my body just got into a rhythm and knew exactly what to do. It’s hard to explain how empowering the whole experience was. Even though it was painful, it felt productive. Once it was time to push, I talked to my doctor on the phone. She said she would be there soon and told me she was proud of me — good words to hear. Unfortunately, the next 3hrs were the part of labor that are still traumatizing in my mind. I pushed for over 3hrs. I remember looking at my doula, Sam, and the doctor crying and asking why nothing was happening. It was discouraging, excruciating, and so so long. I wanted all the drugs at this point :) Come to find out, this little lady was sunny side up, hence all the back labor. Finally, at 8:01am, our girl entered the world. The doctor put her on me immediately and I was so afraid I was going to drop her. I was shaking and crying and shaking and crying. I looked at Sam, and he was in the same emotional state as me. He just kept telling me how proud he was. The hardest work I’ve (we’ve - all three of us) have ever done. The moment the doctor put Eden on me, I remember thinking I did nothing to deserve the gift of her life. She was a living, breathing, human on the outside of me and I couldn’t wrap my head around it. The Lord found us fit to be her parents, and here we are. One year later.
Her name, Eden Grace. So fitting for our girl. We settled on the name Eden as we thought about God’s story of creation. The garden of Eden, before Adam sinned, was a picture of the way things were intended to be. During the dark days of infertility and our miscarriage, we kept longing for the biblical Eden. The Lord’s gift of her life is a reminder to us of the way things were intended to be. Her life brought joy in the morning. Light after living in darkness. I often pray that her name is a reminder to her that though we can’t protect her from the brokenness of the world, Jesus reigns. He is working to further His Kingdom here on earth until he makes all things new.
Her middle name, Grace. I can’t even. This year if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that Jesus’ grace is what sustains. His mercies are new every morning and BOY do I look forward to His new mercies. I can’t really explain the mom guilt piece of this past year and the conflict of my heart in learning to trust my instincts. God named ME her mama. Why can’t I trust that he has also enabled me to care for her how she needs to be cared for? I’ve needed so much of His sustaining grace in the moments of feeling like I’ve failed, in the moments of sleep-deprivation that leave you a CRAZY person, and the ugliness (and loneliness) that comes from pretending I’m in control. Oh Eden, my prayer for you is that you’ll never know a day without the saving grace of Jesus.
Eden Grace : born April 9th, 2015 at 8:01am. Weighing 8lbs, 1oz and measuring 20in long. You entered the world quietly, but quickly found your voice. A true gift to us, joy that came in the morning. And by grace and grace alone have we fumbled our way through your first year of life. Your dad and I learning {and still learning} to love each other differently, more deeply, but differently. Getting to know you as a treasured image bearer of God. Your personhood is so precious. It’s amazing to us that while we rest in Jesus, you rest in us as a safe haven. We are your people here on earth. But never forgot, sweet one, that Jesus is your keeper. You are a beloved daughter of the King, and that is the greatest gift of all.
Family and friends, thank you for being our village. For carrying us through with ceaseless prayers, phone calls, emails, babysitting, and so much more. This life we live is not intended to be lived alone, and we are so abundantly grateful for each and every one of you. Give thanks with us, for this child we longed and prayed for is celebrating ONE year of life. She is so amazing.
With love, Katelyn
