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| our sweet girl's profile at 33 weeks |
Talk about a blogging hiatus. Honestly, I haven’t known what to say. Some of you have asked me to share about this pregnancy, and that has caused me to sit down and cry many, many tears without being able to type any words. I hope this blog can become a way for Sam and I to share the “fun” in our lives again with all of you, but I do have to thank you for allowing it to be a sounding board for my emotions the past year :) It’s also been such an encouragement to hear from you all, and to allow you to walk in this beautiful mess with us. So, pregnancy.
Physically, I’ve never felt better. I received two shots in my bum once a week for the first 28 weeks and, while painful, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. As someone that has always struggled with self-image I can honestly say that pregnancy has made me feel beautiful, maybe for the first time in my life. I got my first stretch marks a few weeks ago and although they aren’t a sight for sore eyes, I secretly love them, and have cried many thankful tears over them. Stretch marks are a forever sign on my body that I can carry a child. There are few things more beautiful to me. And oh to feel this girl move. There really are no words. Just constant praises to the Lord.
Emotionally, I’m an absolute disaster. I’ve allowed the devil to creep in time and time again over the past 34 weeks and steal my joy. I go through waves of feeling like everything will be okay, to feeling like everything is going to go terribly wrong. My poor Sam. He is so calm. I know he sees me and feels helpless. God’s kindness is written all over the past 34 weeks. One of the greatest gifts has been my class this year. Oh how I wish everyone could experience pregnancy through the eyes of 10 precious first graders. The joy every morning when they say “good morning Ms. Katelyn AND little baby!,” the excitement when they put their small hands on my belly and feel her move, the sweetness and innocence in every question they ask with their curious minds. The Lord knew I needed this class this year even more than they’ve probably needed me. And my sweet Sam. What a guy. It has to take some deep love to put up with so much crying!
Spiritually, I’m a mess. I wake up every morning and thank God that I’ve had the privilege to carry this baby for another day. But then I doubt his goodness when I allow the fear to set in. I’ve struggled this whole pregnancy with joy. Could the Lord really want me to experience this much happiness? Am I allowed to let my heart invest and fall in love fully? It’s felt unsafe on some days and natural on others. Every. single. morning. I repent of my unbelief. I repent of the habit to Google something instead of trusting that the Lord has this in his hands and wants this child for us. All I know, is that I am so incredibly thankful for a gracious God. It reminds me to be more gracious with the kids in my class when I feel like I’m a broken record. I imagine God feels like a broken record reminding me of his faithfulness.
Then there’s a part of me that feels like I’ve never truly experienced the gospel like I have while pregnant. The love and delight I have in this little girl has to, on a much smaller scale, reflect the love and delight the Lord has had in me since before I was formed in the womb.
So pregnancy. It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. It’s truly a miracle that, by the grace of God, I haven’t taken for granted for a single second. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever wrestled with spiritually or emotionally. And in the midst of so many unknowns there has only been one constant. The Lord has not forsaken me. He has allowed me to fail time and time again, and time and time again has called me back to himself as a beloved child.
This week we reflect on this time last year. Finding out we were pregnant and losing our first baby into the arms of Jesus. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think and wonder about that baby. He or she will always have a piece of our hearts. So pray for us this week, that we would feel the nearness of God in every move this baby makes and be reminded of his kindness to us. But also pray that we would also have space to mourn the loss of the baby we miss dearly. We are 6 weeks away from this little girl being in our arms. To God be the Glory, forever and ever.
With love,
Katelyn (& Sam)
