This is very unlike me to write a blog without pictures and cutesy captions, but a lot has been on my mind lately. Seeing that we had one blog post for all of January, I thought it would be appropriate to blog even if its not the most exciting post. Bear with me.
Lately, I have found myself in a very cynical place of thinking, 'this too shall pass.' Rather than dwell on what I hope will "pass", I have found myself journaling more about how these things that seem to be bogging me down are actually blessings. A few of them...
1.) Seminary. The constant daily struggle to understand what Sam is learning and that "reading" is actually considered homework. I fight the battle of, 'why can't you be doing more around the house?' on a daily basis. And I find myself saying afterwards, why are you so mean? Sam is a full time, 40 hour a week, student. That is his job right now, to be student and finish his post- graduate work. When I find myself saying, "this too shall pass", I think about all the wonderful and thoughtful things my husband does on top of being a full time student. I think about this phase of life for us and all the reasons seminary is a blessing. One of the major ones being, my husband and I eat dinner every night together. Which seems increasingly rare for married couples in their careers.
2.) My job. My desire is to teach children. Yet, I have been out of school for 2 years and still continue the grueling application and interview process. It has lead me to be very bitter and angry about my job situation. The school I have been a permanent substitute at the past 2 years is once again laying off teachers due to budget reductions. This is the hardest I have ever work for anything before with no "pay off", still no classroom. But when I look at the past 2 years of permanent subbing, I think about how much I have learned. I think about the amazing support system of teachers that have become such great friends. And most importantly, I think about all the children I have taught and loved on for those short periods of time. Hancock Elementary, has truly been a blessing. And I am confident that God will provide.
3.) Finances. Oh boy. Especially lately, I have felt very worthless. As the "bread winner" in our marriage, it has been a weight of self doubt and discouragement to not be in secure place of employment and providing steadily. Sam is more then wonderful in this area. He has been encouraging and backed me 100% in my choice to return to permanent subbing. However, several times during a day I find myself saying 'this too shall past'. When I walk into Target and see something I want, its hard for me to leave what used to be my favorite store with just the bare essentials. I want so badly not to have to worry about finances. Yet - in the midst of the financial struggle, God is so great. Our parents, grandparents and friends are so great. And even though its a battle, I am thankful for the way God has changed my heart. I no long look to materialistic things to bring me happiness. I see where the need is, and fulfill it. I see where the want is, and I wait on the Lord to fill the desires of my heart. Never in a million years did I think I would walk into Target and be okay walking out with just paper towels. This is a good thing.
As my friends around me secure their careers, buy their first houses and start having children- I find myself coveting in a very unhealthy way. Here we are - stuck in Seminary. Then I reflect on the blessings. The money we can set aside (very slowly) for our future home, the quiet nights and trips with just my sweet husband, our dog that brings us so much joy and the job that I love. I am truly, truly blessed. As much as Satan gets in my head and fills me with self doubt and insecurities, I am rejoicing knowing that God has won the battle. He will bring me through and will fulfill my desires. He is a great God. For this I am sure. I will daily repent of my sinful heart and mind and seek the blessings.
I apologize for the long and boring blog post. In a way, it was venting. In a greater way, I am hoping that you will keep me accountable and help me on the those bitter days to see the blessings. For I am blessed.
Love you all very much.
Katelyn
